Depression

Depression is not Lana Del Rey music,

 with smeared black eyeliner and tears running down your face. It is not a blood-stained tub, or the blade sitting across from you. It is not being rocked back and forth by a boy as he kisses your head and whispers “I love you,” repeatedly in your ear. Depression is not the dread you feel when the person you love the most doesn’t text you back. Depression is disgusting. It is low and filthy and dirty and it eats you away, bit by bit. Depression is the stale smell of your room and your clothes, because you have no energy to clean anything. It is sitting in the bathtub for hours as you feel that dirty type of clean, letting the hot water run down your body in no aims to stand up and turn it off. It is the hunch in your back and the the defeated slouch in your shoulders, the kind that your parents always try to fix, exclaiming “Sit up straight,” but what good does that ever do. Depression is the hours spent lying in your bed, trying desperately to fall asleep but never being able to. It is your eyes being so heavy-lidded and the circles under them that don’t fade, even after a good nights sleep. Depression is the sinking feeling you get when you enter school and your mind is already set - why would you care about your grades when you don’t even care about your life? It is the darkest kind of dark, the kind that intoxicates your brain and turns your best friends to enemies, your family to people you simply push away so they don’t have to hurt just because you do. It is the raw feeling of emptiness, the kind that gnaws at your very insides and leaves you nothing more than a walking skeleton, incapacitated and incapable of feeling anything but sorrow and sadness for nobody but yourself. Depression is the deepest hole you could ever think of, the only one you could ever think of because you dug it yourself. It is being not only unable, but unwilling to pull yourself up, having the darkness swallow you whole. Depression is not rain. It is being unable to see the sun, even after the rain has passed.

Thoughts

I always say I am okay when I am not. It's just that I'd rather take all the pain than explain why I am bleeding. Because even if I do, people won't understand the stories behind my permanent scars, the tragedies that lie under my wounds and the broken bones I'm trying to hide... Sometimes it's better to keep silent than to tell others how you feel because It hurts knowing they can hear you, but not understand you.

I hate getting so sad to the point where my body completely shuts down, and all I can do is just lay there and think about all my problems.. And worst feeling in the world is knowing you did the best you could, but it still wasn't good enough.

I'm so tired, I'm stressed, I'm sad, everything hurts, I'm about to break down, and I know I should be stronger than this but I am not.. I'm constantly torn between wanting to fix myself or wanting to destroy myself..

I think I just want to sleep for few months and forget about my existence and everything around me for awhile...

Everything is Temporary

Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we will have to keep on going and thank them for what they have given us... After all everything is just temporary.

I was constantly settled into a state of uncertainty and trouble thoughts, I wonder why was I this way? Why did I constantly expect the worst and feel gripped by the fact that there was nothing, no one I could ever truly depend on?

I was already to walk away or hide away, but I was never ready to be an open armed... to any situation or person, but the irony of this is that once I finally did, I clutched on to these things and people with no intentions of letting go. I was loyal to a fault.

And I believe, It's because I know that nothing is ever for certain... and I would spend my entire life, on some underlying level, hoping to prove that wrong. Something in this world must last, I thought. But I was only ever fooling myself.

Torn

--An old song that never gets old--

 I fall in love with the meaning of the song though.. 

Dear, Mom

          I believe fallin in love at the first sight because I've been loving my mother since I open my eyes. All that I am or hope to be, I owe to my mother.

A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heave and sudden fall upon us, when adversity takes the place of prosperity, when friends desert us, when trouble thickens around us, still she will cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.

I never thought I could be more grateful to have her as my mother.. For all the times I didn’t say thanks either because I was too young or too busy or just couldn’t find the right words. Now, I wanna say thank you for everything you’ve done for me. Thank you for teaching me to live with love, compassion, joy, passion, grace, creativity and humor. For the sacrifices you make everyday. For being there through better and worse. Thank you for the years of love I can’t even remember. Thank you for pouring your heart into mine from the moment I was born. There can never be a day so dull that can’t brightened up with my mom’s loving smile. Thank you for everything, Mom. I love you.

Trust Issues

Do I have a trust issues? Well, everyone has uncertainty about whom to trust, how much to trust, and so forth at one time or another. In fact, everyday we make choices about whom and how much to trust, and sometimes we are more willing to trust than at other times. And for me It's not a good thing. Some experiences of mine has lead me to become an excessively mistrust person.

When mistrust seems to play a dominant role in a person's life, past disappointments or betrayals may be at the root of the issue. Mistrust is a valid and reasoned response to feeling betrayed or abandoned, but a person's life can be adversely affected when feelings of mistrust are pervasive, resulting in anxiety, anger, or self-doubt.

Sometimes, I regret opening up to some people because everytime I told someone something about myself it got out. It kind of sucks. I hated the fakeness. Especially when someone start drama and end up telling everyone's business including yours when you confided in them because you thought you could trust them when you shouldn't have. And the sad part is, you still got the blame for something that's happened. You even got the label for being mean or rude for some people. Do you ever think that maybe she's not cold hearted, maybe she's just tired for all the drama? It's just, I don't understand anymore. I don't know what's happening. I don't know what I should do because It seems like everything I do is wrong. So, I am done. I am so done. I stopped everything. I stopped talking to people. Stopped hanging out with them and stuff. I don't want to be around them anymore for now. Because I literally think my soul is exhausted from the experience of trusting people. Now, I just feel pain. A lot of pain. And I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong. It hurts so bad.

My problem is that I trust people too much. And when I do that I just end up getting hurt. I remember awhile ago there was someone. We were friends. Best friends. I can always count on him. He taught me a lot of things. To believe, to never give up on life and more importantly to respect myself. It was such a good time back then. We were having fun. Like we already knew each other for a long time.  I enjoyed every single time we have spent together...
Then, things happened. A horrible one. I thought I really knew him but I was wrong. I didn't. I figured that he lead me on, took me for granted, used me or whatever it is. I remember some of my friends has already warned me about this,  but I didn't listen because I thought he was really different. But no, I got screwed over. Again. I didn't know how I felt back then, I was just... numb. Torn? Betrayed? I don't know. All I wanted to do was cry and cry. Everything has just changed after that. We were no longer friends. Two complete strangers. 

You know I used to believe in forever, but I know forever is too good to be true. I don't know who to trust anymore. I hate it personally because having real trust issues is sucks. It's a sad vicious circles of insecurities and hurt that seems almost impossible to change sometimes. I know I will never get over this but I hope that one day, these trust issues get to where it doesn't bothers me anymore....

Welcome To My World!

I'm so excited to have my own blog!

I hope to share with you here a little about me and what I have gone through in my life. Your opinions and comments are more than welcome. So, hope you enjoy :)