Eulogy for Hazel

"Nobody lives happily ever after. Life ends in Death. The only way you can truly live happily ever after is to learn and know The Truth about Life before you die...

...Okay?"

Not Always, But Sometimes

"Bravery isn’t always the metallic clang of a gun and the splutter of a bullet; bravery isn’t always a battlefield splattered with blood; sometimes, when there is a catastrophe between your ribcage and your heart feels too heavy for your limbs to be able to carry – it is then that you are brave when you get up in the morning, with a blistered soul and stinging skin, and realize that you made it through another day when you didn’t think you could.
Wolves don’t always hide deep in forests; they don’t always stall for ambush behind needles of velveteen green; sometimes, they mask their glinting eyes and jagged teeth behind familiar faces. They don’t always bare their claws in murky alleys, sometimes, they live amongst us, waiting furtively for their chance to pounce and hunt. 
Silence doesn’t always ring in your ears, doesn’t always deafen you; sometimes, it is more eloquent than words can ever be. Silence doesn’t always stifle language, sometimes, it speaks in tongues that can fracture jaws. Silence doesn’t always burn bridges to rubble, sometimes, it can re-ignite burnt up cinders and mend fences.”

Drops of Jupiter

"but tell me, did the wind swept you off your feet? did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day and head back towards the milky way?"
Sometimes one has to live life to learn the experiences that life offers. You will soon come to understand, as you progress through life. You will have many triumphs, and many tragedies. Much joy, and much sorrow.
All along the journey, you will find yourself, over and over.. You may not be the person that you started out to be. Be true to yourself.
Only you can make your own destiny. We all choose the path of life that we want, but sometimes life takes you in radically different directions. We are only along for the ride. We want to be in control, but seldom, if EVER, are.

-
I have almost forgotten how beautiful this song is...

Depression

Depression is not Lana Del Rey music,

 with smeared black eyeliner and tears running down your face. It is not a blood-stained tub, or the blade sitting across from you. It is not being rocked back and forth by a boy as he kisses your head and whispers “I love you,” repeatedly in your ear. Depression is not the dread you feel when the person you love the most doesn’t text you back. Depression is disgusting. It is low and filthy and dirty and it eats you away, bit by bit. Depression is the stale smell of your room and your clothes, because you have no energy to clean anything. It is sitting in the bathtub for hours as you feel that dirty type of clean, letting the hot water run down your body in no aims to stand up and turn it off. It is the hunch in your back and the the defeated slouch in your shoulders, the kind that your parents always try to fix, exclaiming “Sit up straight,” but what good does that ever do. Depression is the hours spent lying in your bed, trying desperately to fall asleep but never being able to. It is your eyes being so heavy-lidded and the circles under them that don’t fade, even after a good nights sleep. Depression is the sinking feeling you get when you enter school and your mind is already set - why would you care about your grades when you don’t even care about your life? It is the darkest kind of dark, the kind that intoxicates your brain and turns your best friends to enemies, your family to people you simply push away so they don’t have to hurt just because you do. It is the raw feeling of emptiness, the kind that gnaws at your very insides and leaves you nothing more than a walking skeleton, incapacitated and incapable of feeling anything but sorrow and sadness for nobody but yourself. Depression is the deepest hole you could ever think of, the only one you could ever think of because you dug it yourself. It is being not only unable, but unwilling to pull yourself up, having the darkness swallow you whole. Depression is not rain. It is being unable to see the sun, even after the rain has passed.

Thoughts

I always say I am okay when I am not. It's just that I'd rather take all the pain than explain why I am bleeding. Because even if I do, people won't understand the stories behind my permanent scars, the tragedies that lie under my wounds and the broken bones I'm trying to hide... Sometimes it's better to keep silent than to tell others how you feel because It hurts knowing they can hear you, but not understand you.

I hate getting so sad to the point where my body completely shuts down, and all I can do is just lay there and think about all my problems.. And worst feeling in the world is knowing you did the best you could, but it still wasn't good enough.

I'm so tired, I'm stressed, I'm sad, everything hurts, I'm about to break down, and I know I should be stronger than this but I am not.. I'm constantly torn between wanting to fix myself or wanting to destroy myself..

I think I just want to sleep for few months and forget about my existence and everything around me for awhile...

Everything is Temporary

Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we will have to keep on going and thank them for what they have given us... After all everything is just temporary.

I was constantly settled into a state of uncertainty and trouble thoughts, I wonder why was I this way? Why did I constantly expect the worst and feel gripped by the fact that there was nothing, no one I could ever truly depend on?

I was already to walk away or hide away, but I was never ready to be an open armed... to any situation or person, but the irony of this is that once I finally did, I clutched on to these things and people with no intentions of letting go. I was loyal to a fault.

And I believe, It's because I know that nothing is ever for certain... and I would spend my entire life, on some underlying level, hoping to prove that wrong. Something in this world must last, I thought. But I was only ever fooling myself.

Torn

--An old song that never gets old--

 I fall in love with the meaning of the song though..